social anxiety diary entry.

 girl...its so confusing being a girl.....

anyways... was just listening to charli xcx... but yeah i am a little worried.

i feel like my best friend hates me even if its not freaking true. i wanna cry. i struggle with ocd really badly, so any time something good happens to me i doubt it and then it manifests. i try so hard to not think about the bad assumptions, but i keep forgetting, just cause i dont outwright acknowledge them / think about them, subconciously theyre still there. i am so freaking confused. i don't wanna mess anything up.

when i became her friend, i was overthinking a shit ton. i still am. we became friends very quickly. i guess its safe for me to admit that now that i am almost in my 20s, im becoming like that 20s annoying person who has social anxiety. as much as i am open and am friends with people randomly, the people i truly care about are the ones i overthink about. friends come and go, they see my weird side, but my friend i just became friends with, i hope i dont come across as weird to her. i wanna cry. how does somebody get over their social anxiety? i feel like she hates me but i also know she doesn't.

i guess i'm scared of things that haven't happened yet. my therapist told me to write it down on a page and throw it in the bin but before that i have to write reasons why the things aren't real.

welp... girl... its so confusing sometimes to be a girl. girl girl .girl. GIRL. its so confusing smetimes to be a girl. man i dont kno wim just a girl.

its so confusing.

okay im overthinking because, whenever i call her, i feel like i dont sound enthusiastic enough, because im very shy to be honest. yes i am a person with open arms and always acting like someone i just meet is my family, but it's a forced act this time, because shes too cool for me. im a nerd around her. shes probably not even thinking anything weird, just having fun. and im overthinking. AAAAAAAAAA. what if the world was made of pudding.

i hate whenever i have what ifs thoughts and people tell me that, especially my sister. and acting like 'omg you're being overdramatic'. sorry? are you not as well?

she also really likes this one musical artist, and i am just a casual listener of him, but i know A LOT about him because i'm a researching nerd. i reckon i know more about his backstory than she does, but she like ACTUALLY keeps up with the fandom and listens to all his music. she's so nice to me. she always asks me if i listened to this one song and i say no and shes not mean about it at all, shes so nice, she is like i wanna see your live reaction. i feel like my live reaction sounded like i was making fun of him- but it wasnt really- his song was explicitly sexual so i was like omg what happened to classiness?

she sometimes says stuff about him that's sexual, and i don't judge, i don't mean to judge, but im a lesbian so i can't relate, so my replies always look judgemental even though i don't mean to sound like that.

i'm trying to remember other instances i got paranoid, but i'm kinda forgetting, which is a good thing, but i know it's gonna come back to bite me in the ass one day.

anyways, me and her always call at night time. its only been 2 days since i have got to know this girl on a more personal level, back then before the 2days we were just liking each other's posts on social media and saying little sentences then and there- and she was always so sweet to me commenting stuff and complimenting me and calling me cute nicknames. but now i'm scared that she finds out im too weird and she doesn't like me. 

if my friends and family saw this, they'd be like, this isn't rianna. she's always really confident. but i've not  been my confident self around this girl. she's too cool for me. i feel like a stupid idiot around her. my ocd is making me overthink so much.

my ocd is also making me overthink that she will find hate posts i made about her fav musical artist. truth is, i never actually hated him, i was just posting funny memes about him. i actually like him a lot. and i did even when i posted memes that sounded like hate. if she finds the posts, i'm just gonna say 'sorry i was trying to stay on trend but obviously i changed sides. i really like the artist. and i was listening to him a lot even before it was cool to hate him.' and i do now still too. but right now im really acting like i know fucking nothing about him to her lol. 

i sent her a pic of me listening to him a lot and how he was in one of my most listened to artists section. so i hope she doesn't think im a fake person. but she knows i don't know much about him regarding his actual work, but regarding his backstory, yeah! i do.

i feel like this blog is a little reassuring, but i'm just scared if she hates me. i spammed her a lot about the musical artist and she told me what is your issue, but i think it was a joke.. i double checked all the messages, and i am pretty sure i didn't post something hateful towards the artist.

i also don't want my friend to find out i was at some point also obsessing over the person who was rude to her favorite artist. i was obsessing over both if we're being real! but first and foremost it was her favorite artist that i was really getting into coincidentally. its really weird. i'd search up my posts about it to PROVE i was a real fan before the hate train but too paranoid about that. but i told her yeah at some point i was obsessing over him. and she saw. so thats good i guess. but obsessing as a casual listener of course!

i feel a little better. you know, i'm thinking of more reasons why she doesn't hate me. this is great therapy. i think i'll just go to sleep. i just  hope everything will be okay.

maybe i was just scared because this guy was stalking her and always trying to hit on her, so to tell him to leave her alone, she said it, but jokingly- i don't wanna air out her business- but i compared it to how she told me what is your issue. but when she told me what is your issue, she didnt say it in a joking way. so maybe that means it was a joke? because if she says it jokingly its like...UGH NVM IDK WHAT IM SAYING.

but the thing is she kept comparing me to him, she said she likes me and not him. idk where that random comparison was from. but shes like oh yeah i like you not him hes weird and youre the best person ever. and im like oh my god, this is too good to be fucking true! said my ocd! well. i just hope im not becoming weird like that guy because i talk about her all the time. 

i feel like this about my  best friend i had for a long time, because i had another best friend i knew for a long time who betrayed me but my other bff who didnt betray me was there for me. and we literally knew each other for almost a decade- both of them! but one of them stayed and helped me and logged in my accounts to fight the other one back. 

so i got some trust issues i guess because of this one little fucker.

i got too many trust issues that im actually doubting my friendship with everyone. same with that bitch IMAAN who fucking didnt wanna show up to my bday party she always cancels cause shes a insecure little hoe who stalks her teachers. anyways. fuck that bitch.

oop...the girl i was talking about this whole time just posted something shady and now my brains overthinking its about me. but the thing is she facetimes me herself all the damn time!

im so scared- my brains overthinking- what if it applise to me the tweet? even though it obviously doesnt in the sentence. maybe shes using cryptic messages?

HOW IS ANYONE MY FRIEND? NOW I UNDERSTAND WHY THEY ALL LEAVE ME. SORRY IM FUCKIN MENTALLY ILL! my god....

you know, maybe after a couple days my social anxiety will go away- i never have social anxiety- havent had it since i was 14 years old. anyways. um..i need to watch youtube videos on how to get over my social anxiety ASAP. i need to find a community of people with OCD or just a better therapist. my fam hates my therapist- had him for 5 years but they don't see any changes.

who am i even typing this to. oh right the world. well i am going to promote my music through this website and i guess people will see my diary entries. but its MY WEBSITE. im not TRYING to be relatable through an audience, this website is just my escapism. you know when you say a game is your escapism but then they update the game a little too much to the point where its unplayable? well this is MY website and i update it WHENEVER I! want.

god, i guess this website really is my escapism. its all about me. im promoting myself like artists did when i was younger. you know how milennial artists now are badly replicating the early 2000s? its because they dont got OCD. theyre like oh, this ist he early 2000s, but updated. like they pay homage to their icons through how media was back then and how they dressed or sounded, but they have their horrible modern spin on it. but my ocd makes me be like okay everything MUST accurately be 2000s and not with a  weird spin on it. for example, my dang website has random updates about me like a fanpage from old roblox. like do you see the thingys on the side where it says check out the new single and the new vlog and interview and shit like that?? i saw that all the time in the 2000s and accurately replicated it. my website looks like a gosh darn virus website. but not really. because its not viruses jeez. its just me advertising my content on my own page, like how celebs have their own website to do so. im just so happy to finally have my own domain- well its not really, sinceits a blogspot link but wahtever. SAME THING IF YOU ENTER THE PAGE. ITS AWESOME. AWESOMENESS. i think today im for real gonna try to fix my sleeping schedule, like i need to go outside. anyways lolol....

what shall i do now?  i guess try to edit my page.. lemme do that...

i was gonna add that i made my album by myself entirely.like the first thing that pops up.

then i was gonna edit this one interview but my ocd is making me overthink about it.

AM I STUPID? YEP.

then i gotta record shiz. like. record how to use my website with bandicam.

then promote it on the hellish app tiktok. along with the interview. i guess i need to do all those things first. but first the interview, because i need people to know who i am first IRL before they find out who i am. ugh okay im gonna edit it. its gonna be a little complicated, but im not ready for it. i will be back.... in the meantime look at this cool gif i found of lil wayne.