so... its been 4 years since ive started working on my album kind of. maybe 4 years? im not sure. but i know for sure i started working on it when i was 14/15.
and im 19 now.
i feel like growing up now i view my album through a different lens. do i wish i wrote more less vague lyrics? yes- but it makes listening to the album cooler.
i wanted my first album to be about me right but you know what me was? a chronically online teenager.
i always was thinking to myself, i wanna write a album that tackles the problem with teenagers going outside less and staying online more and having the worst fucking time of their lives there.
but it just hit me today, that i actually did do that. my whole album is about the concept of trying so hard to tackle online stuff.
i think it sucks so hard that as autistic people we get pushed away IRL so we tend to go online where we can also meet....not autistic people... by that i mean... we meet weirdos who arent autistic but actual weird people who resort to online.
i feel like doing a whole essay on my album. a whole commentary. but i wanted to leave that up to people. but heres my comments on it now which correlate with what i produced then:
the song cannot stop it, its about being autistic and not wanting to take shit from people anymore. and i dissed a lot of neurotypicals there who made me upset.
but now as a 19 year old, 3/4 years from making that song now-
i see it as this: being sick and tired of neurotypicals pushing me into isolation to the point where i end up on the worst places of earth: online. like does that make sense? i will not give into online ness.
me being autistic makes me super vulnerable and will meet like, the worst people ever. but i dont see myself as a victim to shitty circumstances. im not sure how else to describe this. but i see it as a 'im gonna get the fuck out of here sooner or later.' thats how i see that song.
i guess i see that song now as 'i wish i was neurotypical, i do a pretty good job at it, im very much normal and not a criminal.'
as in- neurotypicals think our existence is a crime or something. and also, like i said, lets say theres an autistic teenager on the internet and they meet some p*do who takes advantage of autistic children.
people tolerate neurotypical p*dophiles but hate the shit out of innocent autistics.
anyways. let me talk about another song off the album...
the last song. first off, i totally wanna re record it lol.
second off, its meant to be the escapism song. where you grow out of this chronically online phase. like you GET OUT THE HOUSE.thats why my album cover is me next to my special interests in my room.
now- heres the catch. ive always wanted to be a celebrity since i was little. but being online while a teenager or a kid, which is what i did, is so detrimental. and it got even worse when the pandemic started. so i developed really terrible OCD intrusive thoughts. in fact, i developed OCD intrusive thoughts, like really fucking terrible ones, since i was 10, so before the pandemic really. but heres the thing with the pandemic: no its not about the movements this is about people being online even more so they lose out of touch with reality.
okay let me make this clear. obviously im with the movements, im not prejudice, but alongside all that.. there has been this thing where youre yelling at somebody online because they did something thats not even bad.
obviously as the pandemic ended, we are normal again where we cancel people for being actually terrible, but i feel like in the pandemic, i guess people were cancelling addison rae cause she was dancing to a song about eating disorders? i dont know.
does this make sense? i have always had intrusive thoughts of 'what if im a bad person, i wanna become famous i dont want anyone to hate me.' .... so this album is me unapologetically being my self while also apologising for being myself.
i was hoping that when im 18 years old i get out of this chronically online phase, but i feel like im still here and that everyone left me here.
now i don't know what you think of me what others think of me or what i even think of myself...
but im gonna figure that out one day.
okay rianna but what is this album actually about?!!
ill tell you: everything about online.
im always being watched. but isnt that what i always wanted? i dont know.
anyways... im trying to shift everybody to the right timeline with my influence. the online world is making us all so insane. and thats what ive been preaching since the pandemic started. on my album.
when people listen to just type and do you? i dont want them to think WOW LOVELY POP SONG FOR ROMANCE no i want you guys to look and see 'oh my gosh. online dating at 14 is really scary. it makes you really insecure'. in fact, dating at all when youre a teenager is scary as fuck dont do it.
this whole album is about vulnerability. it comes from a vulnerable teenage girl. listen to it. its awesome. i think it healed current me lol especially the song 'many things'
so what is my album actually about? its about the dangers of being online as a teenager. written from the prespective of when i was a teenager. but i was always self aware as a teenager you know? like yeah, im aware this is a terrible place. still gonna write how i felt about it though like when i was vulnerable. well, i wrote songs when i was vulnerable. and thats why as the self aware present me when i was making this album chose those songs. to show what its like to be vulnerable online i guess.
thanks for reading! - yours truly, rianna
